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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Godspeed, John Glenn
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Never be a pizza!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I gave up going to work for lent.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date