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one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Webb. James Webb.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.