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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots