5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship