*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no