Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
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“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Don’t we all.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
mechanics be like
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.