We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”