Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”