Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
How high do the levels go?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.