Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
my sentiments exactly
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁