I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!