as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?