I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣