everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.