My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption