Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
mariah carrie
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
hi why am I like this
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?