hi why am I like this
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.