The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
A dad and his duck
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]