Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.