It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
This is the best one I’ve seen
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro