Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You Might Also Like
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.