Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT