your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
That seems a conundrum…
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.