your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Ah yes. The three genders
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons