WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math