my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Safety first
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now