[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
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*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis