#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out