@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

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@GraniteDhuine

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

@prawn_meat

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

@UncleDuke1969

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

@shutupmikeginn

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

@kevinthedad

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

@kelkulus

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

@BurroFuma

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

@Kyle_Lippert

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”