I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Hamburger Hinderer.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
This is hilarious….
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
selfie game
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”