Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh