My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
For those that worship cheese..
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Boom, boom, ching!
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids