Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.