living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You Might Also Like
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.