When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.