Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
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[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
How I’d get arrested…
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.