if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.