if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

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“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”


If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too


Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.


Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.


the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*


Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?


if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.