@ojedge “Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
@lionheaded_ if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
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@ojedge 
@shutupmikeginn If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
@NoTheOtherJohn I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
@HatfieldAnne Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
@fartoothinky Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
@dril the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
@stephenjmolloy [Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
@ashdal2012 Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
@RiotGrlErin if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
@kathyrinkes @hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉