My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.