Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.