Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Merica.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Dietest Coke
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.