My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Terribly Tuesday.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Canada has crack?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.