Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”