[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
You Might Also Like
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.