Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Said the murderer.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven