ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?