Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
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I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits