Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
accurate
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys