@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

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@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@SassyCanadian0

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@fro_vo

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

@pisscop

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.