Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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Hero horse inspires millions
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.