Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You Might Also Like
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*