I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.