STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly