Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Cake safety first. Always.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Sing it!
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time