I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
How to find Kentucky on a map
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.