How to find Kentucky on a map
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕