How to find Kentucky on a map
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Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
i actually laughed 😩
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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this