My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Smells like a challenge to me
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
thank god
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.